I feel like I may have hit a brick wall. I’m determined to smash through it, climb over it, get around it, but I am lacking energy.
Consciously I’m drained, unconfident, willing to do succumb to the bad feelings and now nearly constant binging and purging.
SUB-consciously, I am so determined to reach my goals, I know I’m getting better and eventually this will all be over and my ultimate goal will be realised.
My better and higher self is dragging my physical being kicking and screaming to a better place. Regardless of how I’m feeling, how dark that mood is, I can still find something amazing to be grateful for; something funny to explode into boisterous and obnoxious laughter about.
I feel like I’ve trained myself to haul my own ass out of any funk life wants to throw me into. Willpower is now second nature in some concepts. I feel like my inner 14 year old self has grown up a little and no longer will she accept being bullied into feeling bad about her self image by 22 year old me. No longer will she be the one to shield herself from an amazing life because she’s fearful of what it might mean. It doesn’t just apply to my food and self perception demons either. I’m very apathetic about this unrequited love business I’ve bought in to, if that’s what it is. Unrequited I mean - I’m pretty sure it’s love from my end at least.
I’m a different person now compared to myself 6 weeks ago.
And if you hadn’t of read this I doubt you’d ever have known.
Now that my mental health is better my physical health has taken a blow due to complications of my, uhh… condition. I’ve reached out to two eating disorder counselors recently but haven’t had a reply yet. Positive first move though; I’ll have to follow up over the weekend.